A Year On My Own...AKA The Man Gap Year

I’ve been writing this post in my head for a while now, and being the 2nd January it seems fitting to post it now.

I’ve been single for just over a year now which is exactly what I planned. As I walked away from a break up with my last boyfriend I felt nothing but disappointment…not from the relationship itself although a horrible one, but in myself. I knew in my heart that this was not where I wanted to be: everything that made me think this wasn’t right was also the reason I stayed, because I was terrified of being alone.

Let’s back track a bit, I’m one of those people who is always in relationships, from the age of 15 (maybe even earlier?!) I have had a boyfriend. Bullying, school and being a slight perfectionist has led me to a personality of low self-confidence, insecurity and being labelled as ‘shy’. This then points me to the fact that if a man gave me even the slightest indication that he might find me remotely attractive, I’d be all over it like a rash, in a bubble that someone, anyone would find me attractive. Quite frankly, it’s pathetic. So this has led me to a bunch of turbulent relationships in which I was relying on the other person to compensate the confidence that I lacked so very much.

And so as 2015 rolled in I made the decision to learn how to be on my own for a year, to work on my confidence, career and to travel but also to work on what defined me as a person  instead of being so desperate to find someone else to be defined as a couple. I called this my ‘Man Gap Year’ mainly to put a bit of a positive spin on it. While my family, friends and colleagues laughed at the title I gave it they could see that I had a point and were very supportive. Of course, I’m not saying that men were flocking at my feet (if only!) but more that I (perhaps selfishly) refocused and took some time to concentrate on me. I worked on my career, I made plans for the future for myself and as this was also my 21^st year it all seemed to fit into place perfectly.

I’m not sure what the future holds, but I know that (cheesy as it sounds) I’ve started to find who I am this year and while I still have a lot of growing to do I know that I’m on the way there. If you are reading this and are tired of the same relationship or you’re in your early teens, don’t worry about it. Take a step back and evaluate what you want for you and create goals for what you want rather than waiting for something to happen.

Happy New Year!

Zoe x